Of Dicks, Rods & Johnsons
Which players had the most phallic-sounding names in the history of our national pastime? Funny you should ask…
I write about baseball for a living, for the sports-centric arm of a large media company whose name will not appear in this story.
That’s because this story is about baseball, but it’s also about penises. Specifically, names that invoke penises. And more specifically, names of professional baseball players that invoke penises. And most specifically, it’s purely my creation and was not endorsed or approved by anyone, least of all my employer, mother, girlfriend or anyone else in my life with a modicum of maturity.
This story would not have been possible — and your life would therefore have contained slightly less joy — if not for the existence of Baseball Reference, a treasure trove of statistics and game logs dating back to the late 19th century when players wore their tiny mitts on their heads, there were no night games because electricity was still sort of witchcraft and it was OK to be named Whitey.
I’m not sure if cataloguing penis names was what the good people at Baseball Reference had in mind when they created the site, but that’s where I come in.
Here, then, are the top six penis-ish monikers in MLB’s long history, ranked from sixth to first according to my highly scientific Penis-name Hierarchy Authentication Litmus Logarithm Uber-System (PHALLUS)™.
The competition was stiff, but these guys rose to the occasion.
Number 6: Dick Pole
We begin with easily the most on-the-penis name. If Bart Simpson was prank calling Moe Sizlack, he would dismiss this one as a little too obvious.
Still, points are awarded for the creepy mustache (which will emerge as a theme) and the fact that he would later go on to be a coach for the San Francisco Giants, my personal favorite baseball club, meaning I heard his name all the time while listening to games as a kid. He is probably responsible for at least 15 percent of the chuckles I emitted between 1993 and 1997.
Seriously, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard Duane Kuiper say, “Dick Pole just popped out of the Giants’ dugout.”
PHALLUS Score: 6.0
Number 5: Jim Cockman
Obviously it would be wonderful to live in a world where Mr. and Mrs. Cockman had decided to name their son Harry. Then again, the common first name sets up a nice surprise when Cockman is suddenly inserted.
The lack of a mustache is disappointing, though the popped collar is an excellent touch.
PHALLUS Score: 6.5
Number 4: Rod Graber
Rod Graber played just one big league season with the Cleveland Indians in 1958, appearing in four games and collecting one hit. But he spent a lifetime convincing people his last name was pronounced “GRAY-ber.”
Yeah. Sure thing, Rod.
Again, the lack of a mustache hurts his cause, but this one grows on you.
PHALLUS Score: 7.5
Number 3: Randy Johnson
Now we’re getting into rarified air. Like any truly great penis name, this one has layers. This isn’t merely a Johnson; baseball history is stuffed full of those.
This, friends, is a Randy Johnson.
And he supplements a plus mustache with a lights-out mullet and a strong secondary soul patch.
PHALLUS Score: 8.75
Number 2: Dickey Pearce
You might say this is a stretch, but Dickey fits right here.
First and most obviously: the ‘stache. Up to now we’ve been dealing with wispy lip ornaments. This is a Mustache, a snot mop, a piece of bespoke face furniture, and they decidedly don’t grow ’em like that anymore except on hipsters and they don’t count.
Add the fact that his last name is a homophone of a suggestive verb and it makes perfect sense for him to be this deep on the list.
PHALLUS Score: 9.0
Number 1: Johnny Dickshot
This man’s name was literally Johnny Dickshot. And he presumably came from a long line of Dickshots.
Johnny.
Dick.
Shot.
Look at him. Even he can’t stop smirking.
(Literally: Johnny Dickshot.)
PHALLUS Score: Anybody got a yard stick?